Which Profession Should I Play. . .

So, I've tried every profession, gotten each one to level 20, but still nothing excites me. I know WHAT I want out of my profession, but I don't know what one will give me that.

1) Damage - What class is able to deal the most boom boom.

2) Condition - What class is able to apply KD, Weakness, Blind, Dazed, etc. easily.

3) Hex - Which class has the most useful for PvE.

4) Versatile - What class can I change it up with.

i'm assuming this is pve?

1) sin, warrior
2) ele, ranger
3) necro, mes
4) necro, rit, ele

Necro (maybe ranger or ele) is the best if you want all of those things.

Necro:
Lots o' hexes
Good damage with SS, MM, MoP, etc.
Probably 2nd best for conditions
Versatile (MM, hexes, support, etc.)

Ranger:
No hexes :/
Good damage with pew pew or splinter
Probably best for conditions
Very versatile (rupts, pew pew, scythe, touch, spear, etc.)

Ele:
Fair amount of hexes
Great damage in NM and PvP, HM is meh
Good for conditions
Versatile (fire for aoe, air for single target, water for snares/hexes, earth for defense)

Damage: Warrior
Conditons: Ranger, for KD's Warrior
Hexes: Mesmer, Necromancer
Versatile: Ranger, Ele and Necro

For damage I have to say a well-played Dervish with a proper build is the best choice in certain situations. If you have a large mob to vanquish you can take them all down in a short time. The only thing is that scythes have such great damage range, from 9 to 41 so the constant dps isn't assured...

Well, from what it looks like, I think I'll be making a Ranger. They seem to be able to TECHNICALLY play every melee profession. A lack of Weakness and Blind is a turn-off, though. That seems to be fixable with a Thumper, if need be. Any other suggestions?

EDIT: After looking at Mesmer, it looks like they have a LOT of POTENTIAL. They just aren't used right. Could they be useful in PvE situations?

rangers play much different from mesmers...

first you have to decide whether you want to hit things with a weapon, or cast spells. thats how i'd break it down. then i'd go further and break it down into frontline, midline, backline.

weapon-based classes: frontline:[war, sin*, derv*], midline:[ranger, para]
spell-based classes: midline:[mes], midline/backline:[ele, nec, monk, rit]

*sins and dervs can also have a spell-based role in certain niche builds
(definine midline, backline for the spell-based classes is a bit more difficult because many can do either-or)

Rangers have Throw Dirt for blind, and can use Ebon Dust aura with volley for spammable AoE blind.

Mesmer are very usefull in PvE situations, they can deal reasonable armour ignoring damage with Energy Burn, Energy Surge, Wastrels Worry etc. And shutdown/damage melee with Clumsiness, empathy etc. And shutdown/damage casters with Backfire, Diversion Power Block etc. Mesmer can be difficult to use well, but once you do they are a strong profession.

I'd have to disagree with you all on PvE condition spread. Mesmer is the way to go on this. EC Mandragor-in-a-can is one of the best, if not THE best condition spammers in the game, and it can make HM a breeze while being more fun to play than an imbagon

I find Mesmers really boring in PvE to play though. You can't really shutdown or punish effectively. Sure the AI stops after a while or does something straight to death every time (Empathy) but you don't get the same feeling as when you disrupt somebody in PvP.

1) Damage - What class is able to deal the most boom boom.

Elementalists are typically the powerhouses - they deal MASSIVE damage with their spells - but in general, the damage you deal depends on your classes. Warriors deal a lot of damage, but because they are melee - they are prone to misses and blocks.

2) Condition - What class is able to apply KD, Weakness, Blind, Dazed, etc. easily.

Warriors are KING of KD with Godmode, they can use Dragon's Slash + Brawling Headbutt to maintain KD as long as FGJ is up. For everything else, Rangers are pretty much the best at giving out conditions. Necros are very good at hexing and in a MM bomber build, they can poison and cause bleeding (VERY fun).

3) Hex - Which class has the most useful for PvE.

Necromancers! Hands down, no other class can hex like these guys.

4) Versatile - What class can I change it up with.

Necromancers have to be the most fun classes to use. You can run with a Minion Master build and make armies of undead minions, or use Spiteful spirit and hex mobs of enemies killing them in an instant (with a tank ofc)

Monks are also very versatile since they can be supporters and also farmers. You can go healer, protector, hybrid, 600 smite, RoJ... list goes on.

You sound like a warrior to me.

If you're prepared to go outside the primary class skills sometimes then yes mesmer will be very versatile in PvE.

You can use Lyssa's Aura to power non-stop curses hexes/conditions and necrosis spam, or you can AI/Aecho/SS if you prefer, as part of a four-man sabway team for HM starter areas. You can AI/Aecho/RoJ as part of a PvE skills+smite build. You can FC nuke/snare/blind/ward, with or without SoI as your elite.

You can SoI smite for a 600 (although they'll have to be good at managing energy), or you can SoI prot/heal (if your team's good - you won't have DF bonus and will need to recast SoI every three spells).

You can tank it up as an IW dervish in easier areas.

Dopefish has a guide on here with plenty of solo farming builds for mesmers. You can SC areas with a team using FoC/CoP spikes even after the CoP nerf (assuming people still run those builds, I've not kept up with SCs lately).

If you want hex/condition spam using primary mes skills there's Fevered Dreams-based illusion builds, or there's always AP caller if you're happy with PvE skills.

This is on top of the more traditional dom mes interrupt/shutdown stuff which is arguably less effective in PvE than PvP, but still plenty of fun and does make a difference to how easy/hard encounters are.

Basically, you mix the various primaries, with the various secondaries, and throw in the PvE-only skills, and every class can be good at almost anything (in PvE).
That is one of the big things about the PvE-only skills - they can be used by any class - some would say that that's a good thing, but I tend to think it waters the game down. (But. it's so watered down now that it doesn't matter much any more )