When the swirling mass of color stopped, the young cultist stepped forward into the black threshold. Coughing from the cold air, the heavy, almost oily atmosphere was stifling. The air itself seemed to abhor his presence, the very fabric of his environment sought his repulse. He could feel his strongest tether to the point was at his front, and his back seemed to draw backward towards the spot the portal dropped him, as if he was being projected. His spiked boots saw give in the moist soil, black as coal. Looking down, he noted the ground was saturated. As his boot heels sunk into the murk, he could see that it was blood, not water, that muddied the terrain. And the world was bereft of a place in which this interesting anomaly was absent.
His tough leathery leggings, tucked into the pointed tops of the boots, met the hard leather curiass upon his beltline, and all was gently collecting perspiration from the thick surrounding air. A thought crossed his mind, that this was likely blood as well, but he quickly dismissed the idea. He couldn't tell by looking, as all the detail of his armor was red, whilst the bulk was black as night. Luckily, the mask upon his face, laced with bone, covering only the lower half, was keeping the moisture greatly out of his mouth. Still, clenching his hands, the squelch that was heard came more from the moisture, than from the leather of his tough gloves.
He hardly flinched as a low growl came from behind. It was friend, not foe.
The necromancer came with a companion, that being a rare Black Wolf, long sought for its particular ferocity in the far northern reaches, home to Norn and Charr alike, the most fierce of predators. to see this creature under the tame hand of a human, was a unique sight. The wolf shook his head, distributing a deal of the moisture around him. He seemed displeased with the air, used to the dry cold of the vast shiverpeaks. Though, the necromancer thought, the darkness ought to be to his liking.
The pair were unwelcome guests, indeed plunderers and thieves, in a place one dare not trespass. The world of the dead, the Underworld. And they were most certainly not alone.
~The trials and proving grounds of Kage der Mond.
Chapter 2-Arcane Dissent
A blast of light consumed the area, and the beautiful mistress was cast to her knees in the middle of a desolate field. The air was so thick and stagnant, she choked as she rose to her feet. Spitting the foreign substance out, she found it to be red and iron in taste. She quickly inspected the inside of her mouth with her fingers. She found no wound, so from where came the blood? But upon finishing her inspection, she spit more of the fluid, this time it came from her fingers. She looked at her hands in horror, for they were covered in blood. Trying to remain in composure, she took a grimacing look around.
The world she had entered was dark, lit only by a faint moonight. But the moon could not be found, indeed it was more like the inside of a cave, lit by a moon that was not there at all. This came as little surprise to her. When she agreed to mark the scroll with her blood, she knew the world she would be entering, was indeed that of the dead. The underworld holds many secrets, many of which she did not mean to know, some of which she did already, and many she was thirsty to discover.
Around her were houses, destroyed, but still intact. The structures were clearly off balance, but left suspended by some unknown force. Thats when she noticed the pale blue figures moving around in the murk. She stifled a gasp when one turned her way. "He", it appeared that way at least, stood roughly six feet tall, and had the figure of a swimmer. Thin and spry, with long arms and legs, and a short torso. the only unusual thing about him, was that indeed, he was transparent, with a cool blue tint. His face was frozen in a single expression. Eyes shut, and mouth slightly open, and drawn to the side. His "skin", though it was pure ectoplasm now, she could tell, was wrinkled and loose. His "hair", tangled and hanging loosely, was missing in places, and rotten on the ends. It became clear to her then, this man had drowned.
This "town" or death she stood in, was crawling with these specters, milling about, as if they didnt know where they were, but had some purpose, still unknown to them. She looked off in the direction of some stairs that led up into an enclave structure. She didnt know why, but she knew her husband was there. He would be there, she was positive. Him and that wolf that was so protective over her. Hell, she thought, he is probably already creating minions of his own to combat the legions of grenth that sought their immediate ejection from his world.
With this thought, she stepped forward towards the enclave. Her movements stopped quickly as the ground in front of here was split, and a bony hand extended forth, pulling behind it a full skeleton with a faint glow of enchantment about it. A maddening expression upon its face, it pulled its bow out of the dirt, and raised a hand to the young mesmer. It shook its head slowly, and Mystic Stargazer let her breath out slowly, and slipped a hand to the weapon pouch on her hip. Just as the clasp was undone, the Skeleton of Dhuum screeched, and cast a bony spike from his own ribcage, directly to the breast of the beautiful mesmer.
~The discoveries and matronly stewardship of Mystic Stargazer~
Chapter 3- Old Land
Once the torrent of color ceased to bathe the world in light, the cold earth grew dark and quiet. From the gloom a soft growl permeated the shadows. A tall man leaned against a boulder, and withdrew a vial from his pack, marked T.U and adorned with a brown looped cross. Taking a sip of this fluid, he felt the strength slowly slide back into his bones. He dropped the smoking piece of parchment in his left hand, and it blew away, ashes now. Only a scrap remained on the ground, which held remnants of the four signatures upon it, written in blood.
The man straightened himself as his tall majestic moa bird strode up beside him, now finished with the small prey he found. Standing six feet tall whilst stooped, even taller when erect, Dread was jet black with messy feathers and spiked collars on neck and feet. Glowing red eyes pierced the darkness, and gave the illusion of being suspended, as his jet black body was hidden in the dark.
The ranger cocked an eyebrow at the shadows in front of him, and became nervous. He stooped to the ground and touched a finger to the rock. It was solid, but covered in a mossy red substance. Considering this, he began to draw a large symbol in the peat. Once the flame was completely drawn, he clenched his fist and slammed it to the stony floor. The drawing illuminated brightly for a moment and then turned invisible. Backing away, he kept one eye on the shadows and one poised on the trap. Dread let out a hiss and dove into the gloom. Cursing his elegant, but stupid companion, the ranger drew his spear from its pouch, and tensed for combat.
He waited for a sign, but heard only dreads irritating caw, and the scratch of nails on rock. Then from the shadows burst forth Rascal, the familiar Lynx from the Krytan provinces. Followed by dread, the pair burst up to Ichigos side and turned round, both growling at the murky fog ahead. Before he could wonder why Mystic Stargazers pet was away from its master, a ghastly creature galloped from the darkness. Ichigo clenched his teeth, having immediately identified it as a Bladed Aataxe, a creature he had seen far too many of, but killed woefully less in his trips to the hell he now stood.
Crouched like a minotaur, it still stood 7 feet, and was coarse with rough fur and rippling muscle. it had bright red eyes, and sharp horns running the length of its spine. It was blazing toward the trio with its maw open, roaring in contempt of the intruders.
Ichigo darted one eye at dread, who met his gaze, and set of toward the beast, as if unaware of the disparity of the twos size difference. A number of things occurred at once on that lonesome peak. Dread flung himself to the side, away from the rumbling freight train of muscle and darkness, the beast lost focus on the ranger, distracted and dismayed by his opponents retreat, and Ichigo finished what preparation he has been making. As the Aataxe recovered his composure, midstride, and leapt into the air at the leather clad foe before him, the ranger loosed his spear, alight with flames, into the belly of the monster. The Aataxes triumphant glare turned to wide eyed horror as it doubled over in midair, folded at the midsection, and was thrown back by the sheer charged force of will behind the rangers long held heave. Reversing direction, the bellowing beast toppled back and rolled in the dirt, scraping to a stop a few feet away from the feet of the curious black moa. Ichigo noted the trajectory briefly, and allowed himself a small smile. He turned away and whistled for dread to return. As the giddy bird trotted back to its owner, the Aataxe, only wounded, his chest smouldering, shook his massive head and made its final mistake, rolling onto its back, correcting the rangers slight error in calculation.
Contacting the spot that once bore a crudely drawn flame, the large weight activated the earlier laid trap, igniting the air around the monster, and casting an enormous fireball to the skies. The beasts hulking body flew into the rock wall beside Ichigo and cracked as it impacted the granite. Lumbering to its feet, and still alight with flames, the notably stoic beast gasped for air as the flames consumed all the oxygen around it, and stocked its haunches, poised to attack the ranger, only inches away. Ichigo narrowed his eyes at the sight before him and reached out to pull the spear from the Aataxes belly. Growling in objection, the creature brought up a claw to dismember the awful human, but stopped mid swat as his eyes opened wide, and pupils dilated. Frozen in position, the beast croaked as the spear was pulled from his stomach. Its eyes trembled and the beast collapsed, moving never again.
Calmly, as this was all part of the trap, the ranger took a rag from his pouch, and wiped the poison from the tip of his spear. After all, he thought, antidote signets arent cheap. And it would be an ironic shame to die from the same poison that killed his massive foe.
Followed by the moa and the lynx, who lazily watched the entire battle ensue, Ichigo strode up to the edge of the cliff, looking down on a vast labyrinth of corridors and structures. To the left, which he dubbed east, he could see the dark amphitheater which was meant to host his entire parties arrival to the underworld. Wasting no time pondering what went wrong, he clapped a hand on his knees, shaking off the Aataxe blood, and started down the steep incline, familiarity of the terrain setting in at last, toward the shadowed dome below, where he hoped to find his friends.
~The experienced wiles of Ichigo Bill~
Chapter 4-Hype and trouble
The shadows crawled about with peculiar malice. Even in the gloom, he could make out the length of the claws on the creatures. Assassins without the fragility, he thought. Stroking the wolfs wild fur, he allowed himself a furtive sigh. He couldn't possibly hope to make it out alive. There must be a dozen of those beasts, scraping the muck with their sharp appendages. Glancing around behind him for the first time, the necromancer let out a sharp hiss and spun around. In front of him was a woman, but unlike any woman he had ever seen before. She was pale blue, and transparent. She "wore" a tattered tunic, and a worn sundress, the colors indistinguishable. She was entirely the same hue. But most striking to the cultist, was that he knew he had seen her before. No, not quite, he thought. It slowly occurred to him that this was one of those moments when you experience a kind of deja vu, only possible when you look into the past or future.
His attention was veered left, as off in the distance there came a light. A fire, barely noticeable, clawing its way upward, and casting just enough light that dark silhouettes came into view behind it. Dull rounded peaks extended far upward, securing that the underworld was in fact, not flat. He wasn't the only one who noticed this new development. The shadowed silhouettes moving about on the platform above him all froze, becoming invisible as they stood still. And as the cultist waited, breathless and paralyzed, a whisper came in his ear...
"My daughter... My sweet little girl. Have you seen my darling Gwen?"
Bump: New Chapter.
(If this infracts the rules, the bumping that is, just tell me, i assure you it wont happen again, and don't shut down the thread please)
The bumping doesn't - but typically, new chapters come in new posts - though I have no issue with that. I would suggest using [spoil] tags for each chapter though, in order to keep it a small post (for when you get a lot of chapters), not needing those extra spaces, and to keep it easier to read (typically huge blocks of text are dissuasive). Also, this isn't really a commission thread, so I removed the prefix that was added.
Like a stark image in her mind, Mystic Stargazer was transfixed by the memories of her time in kryta. She loved the sweeping jungle trees, and all the life and noise around her, and all the beautiful land... But like everything else, it was ruined. The undead were one thing she couldn't handle, couldn't stomach. Something about the way they walked, and the way skeletal smiles lay fixed on their faces as they crept ever closer...
She was startled back to reality by a hiss near her ear, she jumped to the side, having narrowly avoided some sort of projectile. In front of her stood a bare ivory skeleton, crouched over, trembling at the sight of her, though the poor mesmer was sure it wasn't out of fear. She picked her wand up from where she had dropped it. She could weave magic without it, but it certainly helped channel the energy. She hesitated for a moment, and her heart was gripped with fear. Where was her companion, rascal? She averted her eyes and scanned the ruins quickly, an unintentional reaction due to the worry for her pet. These moments were quickly found to be ill-advised. When she returned her gaze to the skeleton, it was standing upright, with its bony hands to the sky. Could it be praying...? she thought momentarily. She thought it better not to waste any more time. while the skeleton chanted, she took a knee and ran one finger across her wand. Letting the purple line glow brightly, she raised the wand, put one hand on her breast, and fired a violet blast toward the skeleton, the blast coming from her chest. It collided with the bony mass and swirled around, capping above its skull in the shape of a bolt, before dissipating. With a sinister grin she thought to be all too intentional, the skeleton settled its hands and hissed. There was a flash, and something hard struck the ground about 3 feet behind her. She turned her head to see a 3 foot spike buried in the bloody dirt. missed? she wondered...
Her world was turned inside out. The bony spike exploded, throwing shards too numerous to count in every direction. Time slowed to a crawl. Mystic stargazer could see the white horn swell, and crack, before expanding in a firework of thin ebony fragments, spiraling straight for her. She was involuntarily moving away from the explosion, probably a reaction to the blast, she thought. It soon became clear, however, that this was no reaction, but the force of thousands of tiny little pieces of bone throwing her backward. Coming to grips, she felt the weightlessness of flight, and a sharp pain in her head as she saw no more.
The wolfs claws had trouble getting traction in the slick muck as they quietly trudged up the hill. The sound of his paws kicking up god-knows-what in the underworld ground cover was starting to make Kage sick. A feat not to be slighted, as his profession frequently demanded he make awful sacrifices of bodies, only moments prior, fresh and still bearing the likeness of someones father, mother, sister, brother. The smell of animated corpses, he thought, might smell as potpourri upon this sickening gunk.
To add to the cultists frustration, a far less smelly, yet thrice annoying guest had taken to following them. The ghostly mother of the Ebon Vanguards commander-in-chief was effortlessly gliding up the slippery incline, consistently asking questions about her daughter, every two minutes and thirty four seconds. Kage bit his lip ad his ears were met with another barrage of questions, this time about whether Gwen had ever kept relations with that paltrow boy from wizards folly. Escalating in urgency, the specter flew off on an extremely unwelcome tangent about the way gwen would eat her oats in the morning. Losing patience, the cultist tried to spin around to tell the ghost which way hell was, but being on a slick incline, he lost footing, and fell cheek first into a vat of bubbling pus-like fluid. His wolf growled at the sight of it, and Kage immediately threw himself in the air, aided in no slight part by magic, and began swatting his face, removing copious clumps of sticky yellow goo.
"You stupid ectoplasmic ignorant mother of a-" he started to shout before clapping hands over his mouth. He heard a crumbling sound, like roots being pulled from the earth. Forgetting the toxicity of the ground, he flattened against it and patted next to him, his wolf sliding up close and laying flat, rumbling lowly in his chest. They both lay there, looking up the steep incline. The noises seemed to come from the summit, but had stopped now. Drawing in breath, the cultist rose to his feet and slowly ascended. His wolf slicked close behind. Carefully approaching the top, and the point in which he could see, feet away from that point, his rhythm was interrupted by a blue flash in his peripheral. The damn ghost had kept on going saying "I'm not putting up with this, im leaving, and if you wont tell me about my daughter, Gwen, then why dont you just..."
Sarah never finished her sentence.
A puff of blue erupted from her stomach, or what used to be a stomach, pre-phantom form. A green projectile sailed through the hole and kept going, descending later down the hill. Sarah threw her head backward and opened her mouth wide, before dissipating in a cloud of blue. Kage again flattened into the wet dirt, which was oddly enough, getting drier as he got higher. He panted, exhausted from the sheer shock. He couldn't see any sign of Sarah, she was lost to the dirty underworld air. He winced. Even an annoying ghost like her, it had looked as though that actually hurt. And she didnt deserve that, being dead as it was. He laid there for a solid five minutes before finally bracing himself on his wolf, and stumbling the last few steps to the top. There he set eyes on Sarah's second killers.
The first thing was that they were grotesque. They rose from the ground from a base of dirt and rock, like an anthill complete with jagged boulders, shrouding a greater part of their bodies. they were Wurm-related, but compared to the enormous Wurms from the desolation of Vabbi, they were minuscule, at only about 7 feet tall. Their heads reminded him of a cro-magnun, with the elongated foreheads, and lip-like jaws hiding rows of sharp teeth. There were two, and they were tending to the ground around them with their jaws. Frowning, he couldn't figure out what they were doing. It was like they were farmers, tilling the soil. they kept digging it up, and spitting up a bright gas into the dirt, which was quickly absorbed, and the ground would glow momentarily before dimming. Kage bit his lip, wondering what would dispatch them before they dispatched him. They were planted in a gap between two high, sheer cliffed peaks on either side. Through the gap was the way to where he saw the eruption of flame earlier. Cracking his knuckles, he walked closer to the beasts. Keeping just out of sight, he looked down at his wolf and smiled. The animal regarded him with a low growl and attentive yellow eyes.
Calling upon the vast well of energy inside him, he swung his hands to the strapped staff carrier on his back, and quickly withdrew the five foot rod, emblazoned with green lines and skulls with different expressions from hilt to head. In one fluid movement, he brought the staff down, sweeping an icy blue wave toward the behemoths. As this wave approached, the moisture in the air instantly froze, causing a rain of crystalline specks behind. It clashed with the pair of behemoths, turning their outermost layer of skin to ice on the point of impact. With this rashy ice stinging and slowing them, he ran closer and to the side, and kneeled, quickly chanting another incantation. As he rose, his staff glowed bright blue in the head, and he thrust it toward the behemoths. The blue in the staff head flew out and landed in between the behemoths, then rising a couple of feet, and exploding, coating them in another icy blast. The roared in unison, as Kage, admittedly satisfied with himself, was casting the same spell again. His wolf, still back where he once stood, now bolted off towards the duo, snarling with great animosity. Kage loosed another Deathly Swarm at the behemoths, watching his wolf close on the wurms. The wolf leapt for the wurm on the left, but never made it to impact. There was a WUMPHH- as the air around the wurms ignited, and the wolf was thrown backward. It had originated, ad Kage had seen it, from some sort of projectile from far up the hill.
Snapping to, he quickly bolted off toward his wolf, which was staggering to its feet. As he ran, he looked at the behemoths again, who were transfixed on him, green darts swirling into existence in their teeth. They thrust their heads forward and chucked a dart each at the cultist, who quickly jumped from one, but couldn't avoid the other, which pierced his thigh. Wincing, he immediately removed it and rolled over to his wolf. Two more darts soon permeated the gloom and landed a foot left of his hand. He threw himself back and his wolf followed. Watching as the behemoths settled, he was out of range now. He had to think carefully.
What on earth could have prevented his wolf from tearing those behemoths apart? what sort of demon fired that explosive projectile, and why?
The large amount of commas is very distracting for me when I try reading your story. I think it would greatly help to revise some of the sentences.
example:
Quote:
In one fluid movement, he brought the staff down, sweeping an icy blue wave toward the behemoths.
In one fluid movement he brought the staff down, sweeping an icy blue wave toward the behemoths.
The story is really interesting. I like how much effort you've put into it, and how the main character is very detailed and lifelike.
A bit of advanced advice: there is a lot of descriptive parts in your writing, perhaps a little too much. Constantly using long words and describing everything that the character thinks can get tedious to the reader. Simplifying the sentences gives the story more speed and ease, letting the reader use their own imagination instead of letting it gather dust while reading. You can write the story the way you want the first time, then take the time to go over it, looking at sentences, seeing what you can drop while still maintaining coherency.
Example:
Quote:
The ghostly mother of the Ebon Vanguards commander-in-chief was effortlessly gliding up the slippery incline, consistently asking questions about her daughter, every two minutes and thirty four seconds.
The mother of Ebon Vanguar's commander-in-chief glided up the incline, constantly asking questions about her daughter.
Quote:
A puff of blue erupted from her stomach, or what used to be a stomach, pre-phantom form. A green projectile sailed through the hole and kept going, descending later down the hill. Sarah threw her head backward and opened her mouth wide, before dissipating in a cloud of blue. Kage again flattened into the wet dirt, which was oddly enough, getting drier as he got higher. He panted, exhausted from the sheer shock. He couldn't see any sign of Sarah, she was lost to the dirty underworld air. He winced. Even an annoying ghost like her, it had looked as though that actually hurt. And she didnt deserve that, being dead as it was.
A puff of blue erupted from her stomach. A green projectile sailed through the hole and kept going, descending down the hill. Sarah threw her head backward and opened her mouth wide, before dissipating in a cloud of blue.
Kage again flattened into the wet dirt, panting, exhausted from the sheer shock. He winced when he couldn't see any sign of Sarah. Even an annoying ghost like her, it had looked as though that actually hurt. And she didn't deserve that, even being dead as she was.
Also, please try to use the '-mark when denoting ownership. Such as wolf's claws, Ebon Vanguard's commander-in-chief, someone's father. I know that when you write in a rush, small things are easily overlooked. Going over your text a second time and correcting mistakes pays off quickly, since your readers will have an easier time understanding what is going on and will come back for another read.
Hope this helped. Can't wait to read the next part.
I probably will try a little, but if it impacts the content, you may notice things stay largely the same.
A request, since i cant delete. Can someone come through and delete all the posts that arent either
1. The story itself
2. Compliments/feedback to the story.
I.E- Delete THIS post, and the one asking about bumping, and my responses to the feedback. But leave the ones complimenting the story, it may encourage other to read.
I like how much effort you've put into it, and how the main character is very detailed and lifelike.