The Char Horn - Vol UNO

Feb 2006
Mustache Mayhem
Thought I'd make a humorous story in here =] Hope you all like it

Chapter 1

The char came over the hill and all you could hear was the smashing of teeth! They came in with such force a ranger who was'nt paying attention got trampled (this was a common occurance in ascalon as rangers have been known to come from the inbred side of fort ranik).
They came with such numbers that Prince Rurik ran right into his own catapult fire! He bellowed a death squeel that rivaled a 5000 pound hydra. The king sat atop the northern wall and laughed while his undertrained army got worked like bacon in a fat red headed kids mouth.

The king called to arms all mercenaries to defend the great wall but after haggling with a couple guys it was too late and the char busted into ascalon and beatdown all the women and children. A Boss so huge he had an aura about him entered the burned square and declared it char territory as he raised his axe high and lopped off the head of a ranger who was confused. He turned to a beedy eyed hide collector and kicked him with a steel boot so hard he lost it! He then turned to his commanding officer, grabbing his belt and whipped the stuffing out of him for each char that fell in battle.

You see, it was a disgrace for a char to die in battle. They had a word for this in the char language 'chuewb'. The chars victory was complete but so far from over. The king made his way out a secret backdoor after taking a few bottles of rum from the cellar. He ran to pikens square to report what happened in ascalon but changed the story to rile up the crowd as he pulled up his pants in a long speech.

The Char were really pissed off. They wanted the king badly and requested the battle horn be sounded as they marched on to pikens taking out rangers on the path, but loosing so many steel toed boots they had to setup camp outside while the smith crafted new ones. The look on the kings face was priceless when he peeked through the little wooden doors of piken and soiled himself. The char boss did a raindance to get things muddy for the assault and with a look of pure evil roared grabbing his loincloth and bent over for the charge!

The king had seen enough, he sneaked out the back before the char hit the gate. The char army slaughtered everyone in pikens before they could even get a group together and made all the rangers in town boot polishers for his army. The boss was disgusted to find char hides for sale and this infuriated his army. Without thinking all those boots that got polished were brown again!

The king knew the jig was up soon and hid in some bushes. He watched as the char army marched past trying not to make any noise. All of a sudden he was flushed out of the bushes by a lifepod! The king kinda liked the tingle the lifepod gave him as it attacked but giggling he was spotted by one of the outter guards who found him drunk off the rum without any pants on. The char dismissed him as another ranger, "this could'nt be the king", one guard was overheard saying...

(to be continued)

ermh.....

(cont..)

The king got up and grabbed his crotch and yelled 'I come from ask-ee-lon fool I ain't jokin {hicup}'. The char guards were not impressed and called over the char boss who came running with a thunderous rawr! The boss made the king kneel while he went rkelly on him. The king was brought to brokeback mountain in the flamecorridor. They had underestimated the king's slippery ways as he broke free of the enchantment keeping him bound to a yaks ass. The char boss was just too quick for the drunken king though and quickly subdued his escape!

Furious to find out he had been setup by a ranger days earlier who gave the char the ins and outs of ascalon and then got scammed in a quick trade, the king started yelling 'wut the'. The char boss quickly made use of his loincloth to gag the drunken kings mouth as a char axeman slowly cranked him upside down on a hangman made of christmas trees.

Meanwhile, back in Grotto a female mesmer showed up with fresh fissure armor that had the guys drooling. All the rangers were mystified because they had never seen anything so beautiful! The mesmer walked the camp listening to the compliments and the haters who had pink 15k armor and where choobie. She sensed something was not right back in ascalon and tried to overhear a private chat between 2 rangers.

"yes omg winnow owns!" and "dear god u suck, I would go klingon on that buttocks"

She decided that was code for ascalon was in trouble! Little did she know they were only 10 years old and clueless. Casting a spell given to her by a sugardaddy she disappeared into thin air! The rangers were left speechless and one went excited behind an elementalist only to get slapped.

The mesmer quickly appeared by the scribe symon in ascalon who had been waiting for her. He made a big pot of soup and they sat down to eat while he went over the situation. Symon was prone to exaggerating things though and told her the king had joined the asian circus and became a clown with nipple rings. things got really out of control when he described rurik as a swinger in ranik who wore tights and was caught doing backflips in the palace

(to be continued...)

(cont..)

Soon it was nightfall and all noobs were in bed. The mesmer hottie quickly sounded her flute made of alabaster skin and headed out towards pikens square. She expected to find the king riding an elephant and wearing cowboy boots, instead it was in ruins. A ranger came running up to her and tried to hump her leg, she quickly smacked on the nose and he ran away. "Where could the king be?", she thought. Then she heard it, the sound of the char horn. The sound was unmistakeable like a 500 pound pig squeeling out of control.

She embarked on an epic journey. Soon the horn was out of control and the char using it was obviously drunk. The king who was out like a light was hoisted high into the trees. The mesmer called on her spells and the king dropped on his head like a rock! A grawl guard woke from his deep sleep and saw the king pressing his life alert

(to be continued...)

(cont..)

The grawl guard was pissed because he could'nt afford life alert for his grandma and the king had been using it for years. He charged as the sobering king freed himself of the loincloth skimask. The grawl was quickly slowed by the mesmer who helped the king escape! The mesmer sounded her alabaster flute and they were warped into time back before the ascalon invasion.

The king thought to himself, 'my god this mesmer is hawt'. Soon they were back in ascalon and the king decided he would put Symon in charge of things while he got liquored up in the cellar. The char were advancing just as before but now ascalon had a new leader. One the townspeople nicknamed 'The Bald Headed Bastard'

(to be continued...)