NPC Fan Mail

Dear Rurik,

I specifically spammed "LFG NO MORONS!!!!" a billion times in town. Why did you join? Do you not understand the no moron concept? I suggest you read more www.guildwarsguru.com forums.

Creston

Heh... you found that glitch too?

http://img81.echo.cx/my.php?image=su...ermeats2fn.png

I am very upset to hear you think I am the evilest little girl in the world... really, I am... *sobs*

So you found my flute? I knew that pathetic, weak, idiotic Grawl couldn't look after it for long. Where did he drop it? If you could kindly give it back to me, I'll make sure this Grawl pays... *coughs*... I mean, I shall make sure everyone has lots of flowers and lovely things! ...That flute better not be bloody broken...

I'll definitely keep you in mind once I have succeeded in my plans for World Domination

It's very nice to hear from you Nymphae! You didn't expect some Charr to get rid of me that easily, did you? Don't worry! I am fine! I have left little clues for all of you so that you may find me! And I hope you kept hold of that little tapestry shred that I gave you! If I didn't give you a tapestry shred, you had better consider yourself very unlucky as that is the key to finding me once you have all the clues! You didn't give it away, did you!?

Our secrets are safe between us!

I'm guessing you meant me! Right? Gywnn sort of looks like my name anyway...

But it must be me, because I don't know anyone else who has had so much fun tormenting you! I just loved seeing you almost crack when I kept you in that corner all that time

It is, however, entirely your fault. If you had given me more flowers, I might have been more nice to you. I hope you're nicer to other little cute girls! So you had better of learnt from this, and make sure you'll never be so mean to girls in the future!


And you lot had better feel honoured! This is the first post I have ever made here. Do you know how hard it was for me to break away from my cosy little bed in my little cottage in Tyria to say this to you? It was only when those lovely Ettins decided to bash my door down and inform me of this place, that I decided to have a look! ...I never knew what happened to those Ettins actually...

LOOOOLLLLOLOOLOOOOOLL... ok there r some funnys ass ppl (myself inculded) but this was great, this was stuff. I applaude u

------------------------
alos known as death by hesitation

Dear humaniods,

Plz i ask that u stop criticizing me and my fellow NPC's. This isn't fan mail, this is death threats. All we can is what we were programmed to, blame to developers! I mean hell if it was up to me I'd be out making sweet love to a fine featherd female. Also to mention ive had to piss since BTW but i am not programmed to do so, you have no idea what its like!

Dear NCSoft Programmers,

I am taking a wonderful course at my JC about Assembly Language programming. Perhaps it may be in your best interests to take one also, or at least pick up a book about it on Amazon.com and read up on the concept of signed integers.

- Brynn Caddoc

Dear Strider/Moa Bird

Please, for the love of the gods, please stop the squawk.

Adaria.

------

Dear Hablion [Spoiler]

I'd kill you myself and throw your body to the undead in Gates of Kryta if I knew the truth.

You are a sick sick man, and I hope Grenth has fun torturing you in the mists.

Your assasinator,
Adaria

Dear Alesia,

You're not a very good monk since I see you running AHEAD of me and getting all the aggro. I'm the warrior, not you, Alesia. Please stay back and let Little Thom, the other fighter henchman, and I stay up front and tank. Thank you.

Dear Prince Rurik,

You're weak. You should be sorry.

Dear Gwen,

I found your flute. Do you want it back?

Dear Collectors and all other NPCs who enjoy hanging out at random places in the wilderness:

I understand that you may not enjoy the city life all that much, or even the minimal human contact found in smaller settlements. I respect your choice of a solitary, rustic lifestyle, and I have nothing but good wishes for your endeavors out there.

However, I would ask that all of you realize that you are NOT trained professionals, and that you should NOT simply stand there and try to defeat whatever angry mob of monsters decides to have you for lunch. I know you enjoy standing in the same spot day in and day out, and that this spot is in some way special to you, but please realize that it is not special enough to lose your life over. If some monsters decide to attack you, RUN, preferably towards the group of trained adventurers that happen to be heading your way. Your spot will still be there for you after the professionals have obliterated them.

---

[The rest of this is a potential spoiler for the Villainy of Galrath quest]

Dear Verata,

How in the world did you get so many people to party with you?! What outpost lets you have a party that big? Please let me know, so I can assemble a grand party of my own to venture forth and crush you with.

---

Dear Galrath,

Why are your personal guards only level 11? After fighting my way through Verata's horde of level 20 minions to get to you, it was kind of a disappointment. And you're a level 20 White Mantle! I'm sure you could recruit plenty of help from within your own ranks.

---

Dear Firstwatch Sergio,

The next time you have trouble with someone out in Kessex Peak, you can take care of it yourself. Unless you offer me MUCH better rewards for my time.

Sincerely,
Dr Ishmael

Dear Ghostly Hero,

Your actions prove to me why your soul wanders the crystal desert for all of eternity, and why you have been prohibited to the Hall of Heroes.

Dear Dunham,
Thank you for taking all the agro so that Alesia may live. I know she doesn't understand the concept of staying back and not rushing into the thick of the battle so I'm very grateful for the countless times that you have drawn the monsters away from her so that she could live and maybe do her job.

Dear Orion,
How the hell did you get Fire Attunement at level 3? I'm level 17 now and I still haven't found it. I heard it's only available at Roknar's Forge and I don't even know where that is.

Dear NPCs that I'm meant to save and escort back to town (Straggling Survivors near Yak's Bend in particular),
You're civilians, you're not trained in combat so PLEASE, don't engage the enemy. If you are attacked, run away and let the adventurers deal with the monsters, and under no circumstances should you rush towards enemies that haven't even seen you yet.

Dear Claude and Alessia,

When you are invited into my party, you are expected to participate in our adventure, not hide behind the sign of copperhammer mines and make whoopie. Me and my group was vanquished, and when the dust settled, we saw that you two were fine and dandy, hiding behind a sign, dangerously close to one another.

-Sec

P.S.- And why was Alessia behind Claude? Something you guys would like to share?

Dear-
Alesia,
I wish you would learn to heal when I need you to heal me and/or my party members. WHY is it that you only make an attempt to heal when I'm ALREADY DEAD?

Prink Rurik,
You confuse me completely. NEVER have I seen someone go back and forth from fighting to shying away from a battle so damn often. Pick one. Tank. Or WUSS. Honestly. I hate you. Outcast.

Gwen,
TAKE YOUR STINKIN FLUTE BACK. My god, girl. I swear you'd lose your head if it wasn't attached to your neck.

Cynn,
I LOVE YOU.
Dew me.

-Cameron

Dear Mirror Image-

I want my weapon back.

Dear Collectors-

Exactly what the hell are you gonna make from 5 bleached carapaces, 5 minotaur horns, and some bugs mandibles. I really want to know. You must be the McGuyver of the middle ages.

Dear Henchman-

The next time you play your little game, you know, the one that has to do with, "Hey, let's let him teleport over there, but we'll stay here, and he'll get hacked to pieces by those 15 hydras over there while trying to activate the portal trying to get back, tee hee." The next time you do that, I just hope a collector finds your bleached white carapice cooking in the sun so he can make a mid-evil nuclear bomb out of it or something.

Heehee...

Dear Glint...

..

.... I scrambled them Mwaahaahaaaa

Dear Evennia,

Dozen eggs
Sliced bread
Box of Pop Tarts
4 pack of Red Bull
3 Strawberry Yoghurts

Don't forget tonight is garbage night.

Dear Claude,

I know it was you who stole Drogo Greatmane's heart, don't try to deny it. Those shifty eyes of yours should have tipped me off. Well all the other henchies and I are happy to have Reyna onboard now. If we ever see you outside the saftey of town we'll be taking your heart in replacement.

Have a nice day!

Dear Little Thom,

Why don't you wear a helmet? Is your head so swollen you can't find one that fits?

Just wondering...

dear cynn,

I think you have lovely breasts. I cant stop looking at them all I do I dream about sleeping in between your breasts and I can't take it anymore I must have you soon.

ironic, considering the pronunciation of Cynn.

dear rest of henchmen,

i dont care how stupid people think you are i prefure you to anyone truthfully i love the way you nearly get everyone killed and if we do die we killed some mobs and owned there ass but still i love mostly the way you get me through everything without moaning a single thing i love you henchmen!

Dear Alesia,
I hope this letter finds you well, as that would be a nice change.
Given the blows to the head you have received, you may not remember me - I'm the big guy with the heavy armor, shield, and sword you run past every fight. You know, the guy who stands in your way when you charge the enemy melee troops. The guy who shouts about stomping on your corpse a lot, and carries a signet of resurrection just for you. That guy.
I am writing to inform you that I have now double-checked and yes, a wand is in fact a distance weapon. As in, "supposed to be used at a distance greater than three feet". Unlike, say, my sword. I thought you might want to know.

Dear Orion,
They're already dead, OK?!

Dear Rurik,
Mhenlo calls you "the patron saint of rusher W/Mo's", but me I refer to you as "that idiot".
PS: as you're dead now you can tell me - you were gay, weren't you?

Dear Farmer Dirk-

I fought forever with your stupid hog to get him back and you won't give me any lousy sizzling bacon from it? Please die.

Regards
Mega

Dear Althea,

You are an amazing actress! I can't wait to see your next performance!

Dear Glint,

How did your fireballs get homing capabilities all of a sudden? You do realise that you're the only creature in Tyria with homing ranged attacks, don't you? Why do you need me to defeat the butterfly sorcerers?

Dear Wurms,

What AL do you have? If my fire magic 14 meteor strike does 60 damage total on you, there's a problem somewhere. Please tell your armorer that I'd like to commission his work. THAT is the kind of armor I'd pay 75K for.

Dear Lina,

I love you. I've never been happier than when I met you and somehow I was able to get two additional people to join me. Your Aegis spell is the best thing since sliced bread.
However, why did you not cast it when Glint was busy roasting us like cheap brisket? I am very disappointed in you. I still love you though.

Dear Mirror Image,

The Venom look is so passe, you really need to work on that. Also, can I borrow either your bow or axe? I'm fighting little samurai birds in the cold mountains now, and my awesome white wand that I found after seventeen hours of slaughtering critters in the desert just doesn't quite do it.

Dear Item Drops,

Where did you go?

Creston

Dear Althea,

Honey, how many times do I have to remind you? This is what happens when you don't take your medication . . .your ADHD makes you run around attracting mobs who then beat the crap out of you. Now go take your blue pill, and stay back, and let mommy kill everything while you play with your healing spells.

--Nokomis

Gwen
If only i can attack NPC than i would kill you with my hammer!! Or lead you to a group of skales (oh wait, i did that and for some reason, skales don't like to kill little retarded girl)

Cynn
your hot, your cool, your everything that i want in a elementalist!
same goes to Devona!!

Prince Rurkin
For god sake, stay back and let a really warrior do the battle instead of running away and act like a sissy boy

And last.... my stooges (aka my henchman)
you guys got good eyes, you can see army of charrs from far away and yet my lone melee guys Stefan would ran up and try to kill them by himself; well, the healers and mages just sit back and chill.......good thing i didn't graduate from the same academy that you stupid henchman went to!!

Dear Lina, Hottest of the Henchmen,

You have captivated me! I must admit I spend way to much time standing near you rotating my camera trying to get a tantalizing glimpse of what lies beneath. In battle I die way to much waiting...hoping...begging to see if you jiggle like the ranger when she fires her bow!

I cannot help but be jealous when I notice that after I keep you alive at the expense of all others...that you rez Mhenlo first! Am I not enough? Does not my complete set of 15K Dragon Armor impress you? When I dance, does not my crotch thrusts entice you?

If you cannot tell me you are mine...then I shall have no other choice but to go into the open arms of Devona. She is always at my side...in the midst of every battle...as you are. Which...seriously woman...WTH? But anyway... The choice is yours. That bastard Mhenlo or I! I must know!

Dear Little Thom,

Aren't you sick of people thinking your name is THORN? Why not drop the "H" so there's no more confusion? I mean really, who spells "Tom" as "Thom" these days anyway?