Parody professions and skills

This is a spin-off from some other by-now-forgotten thread... Please add to it if you feel so inclined

Lawyer

Attributes:
Trust: (primary) each point in trust gives bonuses to skills that "liberate" gold from others.
Litigation: Each point in litigation gives bonuses to skills that work as enchantments or hexes.
Fast talking: Each point in fast talking aids in skills that manipulate enemy actions.
Investigation: Each point in investigation increases the effectiveness of your damage attacks and damage dealing skills.

skills:

(note: when "losing" gold, the lawyer gains the gold)

-Liability: (litigation) target's items and weapons are labelled for safety (sword - caution, may have sharp edges) and each time they are used the target takes damage and loses 3-7 gold.
-civil suit: (trust) target loses 50-150 gold and all allies lose 5-15 gold.
-contempt: (fast talking) all enemies attack target ally and ally loses 10-50 gold.
-prosecution: (investigation) hits enemies for 10-75 dmg
-concurrent sentences: (investigation) target enemy takes 5-25 dmg per second over 3-7 seconds
-accomplice: (litigation) for 10-60 seconds all enemies that try to heal, enchant or disenchant target enemy receive 10-75% of the same damage that the target receives.
-appeal: (no attribute) revive self with 50% energy and no skills for 30 seconds, allies lose 50 gold.
-bankruptcy: (litigation) sacrifice all skills for 60-20 seconds, lose all gold (on your person) and lose 50% energy to receive a full health bar.

Forum Poster

Primary Attribute:
Indignation

Secondary Attributes:
Combativeness
Lack of Education in the Basic Use of the English Language
Spare Time

Skills might include Pointless Anecdote, Bizzare Spelling, and 100 Trolls.

Elite skill would be ALL CAPS

(save us...)

Wheeeeee!!!!!! Secondary Elite Skill Is 1337$p33k To Pwn 4ll Teh N00bzorz!!!

this was psoted to our Guild mailing list

I spend far too much time as it is in GW, or discussing GW strategy,
or... whatever..

Anyway, wasting even more time today when I should have been working,
I was thinking about the most annoying creatures/enemies in the game,
and dreamed up some fantasy skills to combat them.

If anyone wants to add to this so far short list, please do! We
could have our own wish list!

Storm

Monster Specific Zap Spells

Stella's Curse
Mesmer. All Mergoyles were out on the piss the night before and have
completely forgotten how to cast Mind Wrack. In fact, it hurts too
much to think.

Crawfish Tails
Ranger. (They're good with food. Wilderness Survival and al'... ) When
cast, all Devourers are transformed instantly into a plate of lightly
sautéed tails in garlic, presented with an artfully tossed rocket
salad. And some pine nuts.

Maguuma Bath
Elementalist. All spiders in the immediate vicinity instantly find
themselves scrabbling up white porcelain with no footholds.

Maguuma Tap
Elementalist. Says it all really…

Geld
Warrior. He/she produces an enormous pair of brutal pincers and whops
the balls off all adjacent centaurs. Centaurs are then in shock for
60 seconds and useless thereafter.

Becalm
Mesmer. Cast upon Wind Riders and similar. All creatures that float
instantly flop to the ground, resembling washed up jellyfish. They
can then be despatched by Warriors stamping on them.

Sickeningly Nice
Monk. When cast on enemy healers, such as Abbots, target immediately
feels dreadful about being so aggressive and starts healing all
his/her opponents. This automatically lowers their defences so they
can be despatched with a single blow/shot.

In a year, the one think remaining of GW (in my memories at least) will be the lawyer profession. WOOT.

lol... that's so Douglas Adams (which is totally a compliment) I hope you're a fan!

Hitchhiker

Attibutes:

Inprobability (P)
Makes random events happen in battle to your favor.

Towelry
Makes use of towel for various situations.

Galactic Survival
Wilderness Survival for the Hitchhiker.

Babelfishing
Makes them more knowledgeable in the monster language, enabling them to communicate with them.

Elite skills:

Mostly Harmless {E}
Inprobability. Causes all nearby monsters to turn into a flower, depending on the mood of the user.

42 Tounges {E}
Babelfishing. Speak to target foe, to discover that he really don't want to fight, and make him and nearby foes go on a picnic. Must have a towel (to give to the monsters, so they can use it to sit on on the picnic).

Douglas Adams is god!

_Zexion

Attributes

downtrodden (p): passive bonus dng reduction (because it can't get much worse than this)
shivmanship: passive bonus, increases dmg with a short sword
pan-handling
survival

example skills:
Aura of the Hobo (elite): for 25 seconds, cannot be the targeted (downtrodden)
Smell of the Hobo: for 5-20 seconds, all creatures nearby the Hobo suffer blind, disease, and poison, but the hobo also suffers disease. (survival)
"I'll cut ya bad": (shout) each enemy adjacent to hobo suffers cripple and drops 10-50 gold (shivmanship).
Will work for food: target foe loses 20-200 health and hobo gains 10-100. (pan-handling)
pigeon pie: exploit target corpse, hobo gains 5-40% of max health of the creature, all adjacent foes suffer disease. (survival)

**taken from an earlier post on "You know you've been playing GW too long when...." I responded, "When you start creating RL builds."


Level 20 Supervisor
Attributes:
Bitch 14 Major Bitch Hairdo
Nagging 13 Minor Voicebox of Nagging
Compassion 2

Skills:
No you don't!! {Elite} - Whatever action employee was about to do that would be beneficial is now cancelled. No recharge time, fully spammable.
Stay Late - Keep employee in workplace for extra 20-500 minutes. Prime Attribute: Bitch
You messed up - The next time employee misses in combat, berate employee for 2 - 20 weeks or until employee dies. Prime Attribute: Nag
About your breaks - Recall employee from Break. Employee still suffers moral deficit from leaving break. If employee was eating, employee is knocked down and suffers 90-500 damage. Attribute: Bitch
Saturday - Target employee is drained of all days off. If employee had plans, employee is drained of all energy and the will to live. Attribute: Bitch
Write Up - If one of your employees dies, place blame squarely on target other employee. If employee was working, target employee takes demotion. Attribute: Nag
Parking Spot - Steal target employee's parking spot for 20-40 days. During that time, target employee's parking spot is unusable by him/her.
Bull Excuse - For the next 1-9 days, if you are wrong, the fallacy is replaced by Bull Excuse which will be bought by upper management. Your other excuses are unavailable for 2-3 weeks.


I think I can make a better Supervisor build, but I need to unlock some really hard to get Elite Supervisor Skills.

Engineer

Needless Optimization (P) passive bonus, reduced recharge time on skills
Technical
Practical
Quick Learning

Creepy Humor: for 7-20 seconds, cannot be the target of spell, or social interaction i.e chat is automatically diabled (Technical).

Reverse Engineering: for 7-10 seconds, if target casts a spell, it is inturrupted and Reverse engineering is replaced with that skill for 6 seconds. Engineer loses 60-20 health.(Quick learning)

Over-Compensation: enchantment. for 5-11 seconds, target allies next attack deals + 50-100 damage, but ally is set on fire for 4-1 seconds and is knocked down. (practical)

Factor of Safety: for 4-10 seconds +45 armor -80% speed and every creature nearby emotes "taunt" at you. (practical)

Convolution integral: (explaination) target foe becomes dazed for 5-20 seconds (yes the explaination is that interesting). (Technical)

Fourier Transform of smiting: (elite explaination) target foe loses 5-15 energy suffers exhaustion, weakness and is Dazed. All of his skills become locked for 3-5 seconds. You lose 1/2 of your health (technically you lost half your life learning it in the first place)

Coffee: you move 50% faster and skills recharge 30% faster, for 5-20 seconds. When Coffee ends you suffer exhaustion.