Halloween Workshop [>2000k prize pot]

Thistle Xandra

Site Contributor

Join Date: Aug 2010

hmm... that very first sentence (the bold one) is too wordy in my opinion. I'm not sure if you live in the states, but I know there are some differences between the way canada (I) and the states (possibly you?) format their english. Just from personal experience, I find commas can be beneficial when you use them minimally. That bold sentence has 3 right upfront. Try reading it where each comma you have to breathe, as that should be the key use of the comma in this type of sentence (your not listing anything, but more so trying to seperate or build upon thoughts). But with the way your comma's currently are, you'd sound like an asthmatic smoker :P

The first sentence should also set the majority of your setting. From the first sentence, the setting I get is halloween. That's not very specific; we've only got a time. I know the next line incorporates shing jea monestary, but merging the setting into one line and then plot into another 1-2, and then a cliffhanger.

Im just gunna try and throw out an example (kinda late, need to shower. it wont be the best xD)

"As Halloween nears in Tyria, the energies between our world and the Mists harmonize. Shackled with the burden of eternal imprisonment, a malevolent spirit escapes his entombment with one aspiration; revenge. [Character1], [Character2], and [Character3] must conspire togethor to negate the end of Tyria as we know it. If all is lost they lose more than just their lives; they could lose their souls in the Mists forever."

now, i know that didnt follow my earlier aide exactly, but you gotta bend the rules to make things fit ^^

hope i helped Thanks so much I've updated to:
After being trapped for decades in Shing Jea Monastery, a malevolent spirit is released, thirsty for revenge on those that had cursed him. As the energies of Halloween empower the spirit world, three friends must find the strength within themselves to save their home. In this battle, it’s not their lives at stake… it’s their souls…


I guess I should point out it's not really a summary like actually summarizing something, it's more of the summaries on the back of paperbacks that summarize it in a cliffhanger way to catch the reader's eye and want them to read it That's why I'm hoping more for teasing the reader into wanting to read it instead of actually summarizing what's in the story Would something written like this spark your interest? Or does it sound boring?

Thanks so much for the feedback I changed the first sentence, because it felt too wordy to me, too, (although it doesn't seem that much shorter now that I look at it again XD) and I really like the idea of putting SJM first Comma wise, I believe the 1, 3, and 4 ones need to be there, because of the starting preposition and the 2 one I put in purposely for pause. Konig could probably point out if that's horribly, horribly wrong

edit: eep, changed again because redundant me is redundant D:

Minami

Site Contributor

Join Date: Jul 2008

Dallas, TX. USA

Not in any guild at the moment

N/

Are you wearing a wig, or did you actually dye your hair red?