2011 Halloween Workshop!
UnOrthOdOx
Decided I just might enter after all.
Name": UnOrthOdOx
Art Form: Building Structures/home decoration
Idea: "The Bridge of Death" (random bridge from the Black Curtain)
Progress Gallery (includes concept pics):
https://picasaweb.google.com/1108148.../BridgeOfDeath
I'm doing this for Halloween, but I can't have it up for very long, so whether I enter it or not will ultimately depend on when the deadline is. It's too heavy to put up more than once.
Possible entry 2:
Art form: Macabre
Idea: um...this better explains it. I need a name...
Progress:
Name": UnOrthOdOx
Art Form: Building Structures/home decoration
Idea: "The Bridge of Death" (random bridge from the Black Curtain)
Progress Gallery (includes concept pics):
https://picasaweb.google.com/1108148.../BridgeOfDeath
I'm doing this for Halloween, but I can't have it up for very long, so whether I enter it or not will ultimately depend on when the deadline is. It's too heavy to put up more than once.
Possible entry 2:
Art form: Macabre
Idea: um...this better explains it. I need a name...
Progress:
bonjela
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnOrthOdOx
Idea: um...this better explains it. I need a name...
Macabre effigy? Orrian crucifixion? Krytan Guy Fawkes?
Death By An Arrow
school couldnt have started at a worse time q_____p
Im busy with work everyday but friday, and I might trade my saturday with someone. Then my weekend would be free to start this
@Thistle Danika sounds like an awesome costume Look forward to seeing some progress!
@Mina I agree with Bonjela for the most part with MKT's head and the like. The girls right fprearm (our left) is also a little lengthy. But nice concept
@Bonjela Welcome to the workshop! You're making some very nice progress with this. Perhaps you could get lightsource in the way of the scary-faced halloween moon, and perhaps little candle/lanterns adjacent to the windows castle-style? Just some ideas to float around
Sidenote: Your username is EERILY similar to the name of a friend I have. I had to double take and make sure you werent her, but then i realized "How would she even know about guild wars :/"
@Konig Don't have time to read quite yet, but I'll go through and see if I can help you edit. People like when I edit their essays and such, so hopefully I can be of use throughout.
@UnOrthOdOx Glad you decided to enter afterall! That certainly is a rather grim idea, but what a better suited choice for halloween after all? Please just assure me that these aren't real people you're using o_______o You would be the house that I think I could only admire from the sidewalk, but would never dream of going up to your door for candy; just too realistic for me All those skulls are for the base of the cross-thing, right? Or do you just have a large collection of spare skulls... you know, like the rest of us do :|
Im busy with work everyday but friday, and I might trade my saturday with someone. Then my weekend would be free to start this
@Thistle Danika sounds like an awesome costume Look forward to seeing some progress!
@Mina I agree with Bonjela for the most part with MKT's head and the like. The girls right fprearm (our left) is also a little lengthy. But nice concept
@Bonjela Welcome to the workshop! You're making some very nice progress with this. Perhaps you could get lightsource in the way of the scary-faced halloween moon, and perhaps little candle/lanterns adjacent to the windows castle-style? Just some ideas to float around
Sidenote: Your username is EERILY similar to the name of a friend I have. I had to double take and make sure you werent her, but then i realized "How would she even know about guild wars :/"
@Konig Don't have time to read quite yet, but I'll go through and see if I can help you edit. People like when I edit their essays and such, so hopefully I can be of use throughout.
@UnOrthOdOx Glad you decided to enter afterall! That certainly is a rather grim idea, but what a better suited choice for halloween after all? Please just assure me that these aren't real people you're using o_______o You would be the house that I think I could only admire from the sidewalk, but would never dream of going up to your door for candy; just too realistic for me All those skulls are for the base of the cross-thing, right? Or do you just have a large collection of spare skulls... you know, like the rest of us do :|
UnOrthOdOx
Yeah, I have a collection of over 300 skulls...started from my (not winning) 2007 entry into this contest:
Which came to me whilst wandering...well, I don't even remember where this is.
(also not winning was my version of a Nightfall style graveyard in 2008)
We ran with the skulls on spikes motif for a number of years. I grew bored of it in 2009.
Had a huge planned thing for 2010, involving the spiderized halloween merchants in Lion's Arch, but our storage shed collapsed and destroyed all the stuff I had been working on, motors, dummies, etc all gone, and I got a little annoyed with some folks on a Halloween centered forum that were making fun of 'fall displays' saying corn and pumpkins are too silly. So, I did a display with nothing but some corn and pumpkins in 2010, which got me an honorable mention in a contest over there. Most of what I do this year will be similar.
Ironically, it was experimenting with making pumpkins more interesting that led to the inspiration for my more recent monsters.
Which came to me whilst wandering...well, I don't even remember where this is.
(also not winning was my version of a Nightfall style graveyard in 2008)
We ran with the skulls on spikes motif for a number of years. I grew bored of it in 2009.
Had a huge planned thing for 2010, involving the spiderized halloween merchants in Lion's Arch, but our storage shed collapsed and destroyed all the stuff I had been working on, motors, dummies, etc all gone, and I got a little annoyed with some folks on a Halloween centered forum that were making fun of 'fall displays' saying corn and pumpkins are too silly. So, I did a display with nothing but some corn and pumpkins in 2010, which got me an honorable mention in a contest over there. Most of what I do this year will be similar.
Ironically, it was experimenting with making pumpkins more interesting that led to the inspiration for my more recent monsters.
Konig Des Todes
Holy hell. I'd love to see that yard in person. It'd be great inspiration for horror stories I bet.
@Bonjela: thanks for the edit notes, however I must say that I'm not gonna be replacing the periods with commas at the end of dialogues. It's a personal peeve of mine as to me it feels like the characters' sentences never finish. I don't think dialogue and description should ever mix (unless its a description of a dialogue in which there'd be no quote marks).
Call it my 'style' if you must.
@Bonjela: thanks for the edit notes, however I must say that I'm not gonna be replacing the periods with commas at the end of dialogues. It's a personal peeve of mine as to me it feels like the characters' sentences never finish. I don't think dialogue and description should ever mix (unless its a description of a dialogue in which there'd be no quote marks).
Call it my 'style' if you must.
bonjela
@Death By An Arrow: Thanks! I'm looking forward to the next month and a half.
If your friend's name is an online handle, then I hate to break to you that she may have named herself after this. I can't speak for her, but I chose the name because I think it's delicious. >_>
@UnOrthOdOx: That spilt-entrails pumpkin at the end of your post looks awesome.
@Konig: Fair enough, I'll ignore any future instances of it. But I hope you realise that my inner grammar nazi will be doing this:
If your friend's name is an online handle, then I hate to break to you that she may have named herself after this. I can't speak for her, but I chose the name because I think it's delicious. >_>
@UnOrthOdOx: That spilt-entrails pumpkin at the end of your post looks awesome.
@Konig: Fair enough, I'll ignore any future instances of it. But I hope you realise that my inner grammar nazi will be doing this:
Sura
@Thistle & @Aeronwen
thanks for the positive feedback ! I am actually thinking of adding minions, crawling forward from the back of the chair. But i will finish up the base for the figure and the chair first, before adding them.
@Thistle:
a Danika costume, that's awesome! I always thought that Danika's dress was one of the best looking npc outfits . And congratulations to the baby!
@UnOrthOdOx
wow your work looks awesome, i am looking forward to the finished entry!
thanks for the positive feedback ! I am actually thinking of adding minions, crawling forward from the back of the chair. But i will finish up the base for the figure and the chair first, before adding them.
@Thistle:
a Danika costume, that's awesome! I always thought that Danika's dress was one of the best looking npc outfits . And congratulations to the baby!
@UnOrthOdOx
wow your work looks awesome, i am looking forward to the finished entry!
Ravenhawk
Bonjela - whoa! Glad you finally got it down.
Unorthodox - I see a possible winner in the official contest unless the Devs are squeamish lol
Sura - oh yeah, I love your work so far. I started out with a similar one last year (something about sitting on a chair) but couldn't pull it off so I changed my submission. I like how you used perspective in your composition. I still need to learn that.
And as for progress. I havent fixed the errors much yet (but I noted them down! Thanks! ^^)
I want to sketch the figures roughly first so I can see what it looks like as a whole. I already see a change in my initial composition because I didnt realize the ranger's left arm would occupy a bit of space. Still not completely happy with his right arm so I'll come back to that later
Unorthodox - I see a possible winner in the official contest unless the Devs are squeamish lol
Sura - oh yeah, I love your work so far. I started out with a similar one last year (something about sitting on a chair) but couldn't pull it off so I changed my submission. I like how you used perspective in your composition. I still need to learn that.
And as for progress. I havent fixed the errors much yet (but I noted them down! Thanks! ^^)
I want to sketch the figures roughly first so I can see what it looks like as a whole. I already see a change in my initial composition because I didnt realize the ranger's left arm would occupy a bit of space. Still not completely happy with his right arm so I'll come back to that later
And a small crappy tutorial I did to explain my method:
Sura
@Ravenhawk: Thanks a lot ! I actually tried to do a similar piece (necro sitting somewhere) last year as well and failed quite spectacularly (i changed my submission idea as well). But i think i definitely improved my perspective and anatomy since last year. I am still having a hard time, but i challenged myself to finish it this time.
I really like your piece, it already has a lot of fun to it (the guy, whose face looks awesome btw, is taking something away from the girl - right?). I am not seeing any problems with the guys arms, but one problem i notice (maybe someone already commented on it): the hand the mad king is pointing towards the camera looks too small.
I really like your piece, it already has a lot of fun to it (the guy, whose face looks awesome btw, is taking something away from the girl - right?). I am not seeing any problems with the guys arms, but one problem i notice (maybe someone already commented on it): the hand the mad king is pointing towards the camera looks too small.
Murke
So I was told to enter this here >.> I have started early in the wild hope I actually finish before Halloween.
Name: Murke
Art Form: Digital media
Idea: Making Mad King stew
Progress Gallery: http://kalinotora.deviantart.com/gal...catpath=scraps ( All of my progress will be called Halloween Contest something)
Real Life Prizes: [X]
Official Contest: [X]
Workshop Awards: [X]
Name: Murke
Art Form: Digital media
Idea: Making Mad King stew
Progress Gallery: http://kalinotora.deviantart.com/gal...catpath=scraps ( All of my progress will be called Halloween Contest something)
Real Life Prizes: [X]
Official Contest: [X]
Workshop Awards: [X]
Ravenhawk
@Sura - Thanks! I was also going to say something about how good the anatomy is. I love the relaxed but badass pose. It has a lot of attitude/personality.
@Murke - Glad you decided to join (yes I told her to). Finally my Mad King Party has food cooking . Love those plushies. You already know that I want you to make them for us =P
@Murke - Glad you decided to join (yes I told her to). Finally my Mad King Party has food cooking . Love those plushies. You already know that I want you to make them for us =P
UnOrthOdOx
I am so envious of all you guys that can draw and/or do computer art. I'm a master of stick figures and blueprints/drafting as far as that kind of thing goes.
Commissioned to make a new piece for a local professional haunted house, so I might disappear for a week or two.
Anyhow, some of my tutorials...
Just in case anyone needs something along these lines...
Build your own Bob: Fully articulated, anatomically reasonable paper mache skeleton. (I'll put it up next to anything you can buy at a halloween store for under $100.) The biggest value here is all the measurements, how you make the actual bones doesn't really matter, I chose paper mache, but any number of mediums would work.
Latex mold making: The tutorial uses skulls, but could be used for ANYTHING. Skulpt something out of clay, mold, cast it in a more permanent material.
Commissioned to make a new piece for a local professional haunted house, so I might disappear for a week or two.
Anyhow, some of my tutorials...
Just in case anyone needs something along these lines...
Build your own Bob: Fully articulated, anatomically reasonable paper mache skeleton. (I'll put it up next to anything you can buy at a halloween store for under $100.) The biggest value here is all the measurements, how you make the actual bones doesn't really matter, I chose paper mache, but any number of mediums would work.
Latex mold making: The tutorial uses skulls, but could be used for ANYTHING. Skulpt something out of clay, mold, cast it in a more permanent material.
bonjela
@Murke: Hi, welcome to the workshop. Your piece is cool; I love the way you've painted the pumpkins and cauldron, and the reflections on metal objects. The witch looks a little flat, though, and the crown of her hat doesn't look like it's fitted around her skull.
@UnOrthOdOx: Whoa, that skeleton tutorial is awesome. I'm really looking forward to seeing what you come up with for your entry.
@Ravenhawk: Thanks for the "whoa!" And thanks for posting that tutorial; it's always useful to see how other artists go about their work.
Your piece is coming along nicely; the ranger's head looks amazing. As for Thorn's head, I've figured out another reason why it doesn't look quite right: it's sitting too far forward on his shoulders. It should look like his spine runs smoothly from his back up into the middle of his head.
I like the interaction between the mesmer and the ranger. It's clear from their body language that he's teasing her with her own headpiece, but I think their faces could be more expressive. Maybe plant a cheeky grin on the ranger, and have the mesmer purse her lips and furrow her brow more.
@UnOrthOdOx: Whoa, that skeleton tutorial is awesome. I'm really looking forward to seeing what you come up with for your entry.
@Ravenhawk: Thanks for the "whoa!" And thanks for posting that tutorial; it's always useful to see how other artists go about their work.
Your piece is coming along nicely; the ranger's head looks amazing. As for Thorn's head, I've figured out another reason why it doesn't look quite right: it's sitting too far forward on his shoulders. It should look like his spine runs smoothly from his back up into the middle of his head.
I like the interaction between the mesmer and the ranger. It's clear from their body language that he's teasing her with her own headpiece, but I think their faces could be more expressive. Maybe plant a cheeky grin on the ranger, and have the mesmer purse her lips and furrow her brow more.
UnOrthOdOx
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzu
I posted the old "painting craft foam" and "duct tape body cast" in my blog so that it's still available if anyone wants to use it (I took the dwayna blog down a while ago):
Duct Tape Body Cast
From Foam to Gold
in case anyone's doing an armour project this year, or something that requires a snug, custom fit!
Oh, and sorry about the wall-of-text ordeal. I never tidied them up properly. o_o'
I needed that foam to gold one earlier this year.
In fact, I needed many armor tutorials earlier in the year, ended up stumbling around making it up as I went.
I've tried the duct tape dummy (as us Halloween folks call the process) before, and couldn't get enough support from the thing. So, we used rigid wrap (available at a craft store) on my son to make the body form.
Ended up making an armor out of paper mache, and two out of 'monster mud'.
Tzu
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnOrthOdOx
I've tried the duct tape dummy (as us Halloween folks call the process) before, and couldn't get enough support from the thing. So, we used rigid wrap (available at a craft store) on my son to make the body form.
Ended up making an armor out of paper mache, and two out of 'monster mud'.
Alexander the great school project, paper mache armor:
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-j...0/IMG_5438.JPG
King Hamlet's Ghost armor project:
(sorry for blurry)
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-g...0/IMG_5562.JPG
here's a non-completed pic No cape/pants yet.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-G...0/_IGP0905.JPG
"Tali-zander", since I couldn't leave her out:
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-s...0/IMG_5590.JPG
cute costumes! As for the rigidness, it's possible to seal the dummy inside a slim layer of paper mache perhaps... or maybe stuff it with something other than paper. I didn't have a problem with mine, though granted they do tend to fall apart after a few uses. :/
I just got 315e more I can donate! I'll be on this time tomorrow/the rest of the week for trade. <3
I just got 315e more I can donate! I'll be on this time tomorrow/the rest of the week for trade. <3
Widowmaker
I like the way Tzu gives the impression she just found 315e down the back of the couch or on top of the fridge.
bonjela
Tzu is secretly an aatxe. Whenever she bumps into things, ectos fall out like candy from a pinata.
Charlie Dayman
Nice to see all the old familiar faces popping up again. Sorry to say, but I don't think I'll be taking part in this year's contest D:
Invertation
Not going to run the risk of making them redesign their site again? For shame!
Thistle Xandra
@ Verene: Sorry about that! I misunderstood the photobucket permissions, so I'm instead going to post the cosplay WiPs on my blog: http://thistlexandra.wordpress.com/a...anika-cosplay/ . Also, can you please update my story title to "Razah: A Halloween Wish" and just mark that one as a workshop entry (not submitting to GW). Thankies!
@ Charlie: Aww I was looking forward to another Flash piece from you D: (Besides, I bet the GW site is already prepared to handle another winning Charlie entry!)
@Tzu: Thanks for the Ebay link! I hadn't even thought to look at the Ebay stores, so now I have another fabric source to look through, yay! I totally love those tutorials you gave, especially the duct tape one! I was trying to think of a way I could make Danika's tummy armor stiff, and I'm actually thinking of using a Duct Tape backing to do so (lol, not what you were trying to say in your tutorial, but I think it could work!) and sewing the fabric on it.
@Unorthodox: awwww, they looks so adorable in their costumes! I need to look up the rigid wrap you mentioned Your skull collection seems scary though and must be sooo much fun during Halloween
@ Murke: ooh, so cool looking! I love the plushies, too
@ Raven: Thankies for the congrats and nice tutorial! I've tried doing that method, but my final stuff comes out all blobby like the first blocked part You totally make it work!
@Sura: that sounds like it'll be very creepy looking and awesome!
@Bonjela: lol at the grammar Nazi pic XD (BTW, plug for GuildMag if you enjoy editing since I think they're looking for editors ) Your piece looks like it's off to a great start, but it's super dark on my comp D: Did you mean it to be so dark? I had a problem with one of my pics where it seemed normal on my comp, but then it was super dark when I switched comps D:
@ Konig: Your comment's kinda long so into spoilers it goes!
Great start and looking forward to reading more I have to agree with Bonjela about the comma and quote thing though since that's a standard grammar thing. It's pretty noticeable, because the rest of the story is well written and follows grammar rules. If you don't like setting it off by commas, you might be better of rewriting your sentence structures a bit to avoid that and completely avoid the issue. For example:
Instead of
"…talking about kid." The man said, walking away.
you could do:
"… talking about kid." The man dismissed him with his words as he walked away.
or
"… talking about kid." Without another word, he walked away.
or
"…talking about kid." He walked away after saying the not-so-subtle attempt to make the boy drop the subject.
although it would definitely be best if you had it as
"… talking about kid," the man said, walking away.
since 'said' directly refers to that quote and putting them in separate sentences really does seem grammatically odd. Even with a question mark or exclamation point, it's still implied to be part of the same sentence such as:
"I don't get it!" she screamed.
in which the 'she' is lower-cased and there is only 1 space before 'she'.
But, if that's what you consider your writing style, then there are a lot of great authors that choose to ignore certain grammar rules and still come out with bestsellers
@ Charlie: Aww I was looking forward to another Flash piece from you D: (Besides, I bet the GW site is already prepared to handle another winning Charlie entry!)
@Tzu: Thanks for the Ebay link! I hadn't even thought to look at the Ebay stores, so now I have another fabric source to look through, yay! I totally love those tutorials you gave, especially the duct tape one! I was trying to think of a way I could make Danika's tummy armor stiff, and I'm actually thinking of using a Duct Tape backing to do so (lol, not what you were trying to say in your tutorial, but I think it could work!) and sewing the fabric on it.
@Unorthodox: awwww, they looks so adorable in their costumes! I need to look up the rigid wrap you mentioned Your skull collection seems scary though and must be sooo much fun during Halloween
@ Murke: ooh, so cool looking! I love the plushies, too
@ Raven: Thankies for the congrats and nice tutorial! I've tried doing that method, but my final stuff comes out all blobby like the first blocked part You totally make it work!
@Sura: that sounds like it'll be very creepy looking and awesome!
@Bonjela: lol at the grammar Nazi pic XD (BTW, plug for GuildMag if you enjoy editing since I think they're looking for editors ) Your piece looks like it's off to a great start, but it's super dark on my comp D: Did you mean it to be so dark? I had a problem with one of my pics where it seemed normal on my comp, but then it was super dark when I switched comps D:
@ Konig: Your comment's kinda long so into spoilers it goes!
Great start and looking forward to reading more I have to agree with Bonjela about the comma and quote thing though since that's a standard grammar thing. It's pretty noticeable, because the rest of the story is well written and follows grammar rules. If you don't like setting it off by commas, you might be better of rewriting your sentence structures a bit to avoid that and completely avoid the issue. For example:
Instead of
"…talking about kid." The man said, walking away.
you could do:
"… talking about kid." The man dismissed him with his words as he walked away.
or
"… talking about kid." Without another word, he walked away.
or
"…talking about kid." He walked away after saying the not-so-subtle attempt to make the boy drop the subject.
although it would definitely be best if you had it as
"… talking about kid," the man said, walking away.
since 'said' directly refers to that quote and putting them in separate sentences really does seem grammatically odd. Even with a question mark or exclamation point, it's still implied to be part of the same sentence such as:
"I don't get it!" she screamed.
in which the 'she' is lower-cased and there is only 1 space before 'she'.
But, if that's what you consider your writing style, then there are a lot of great authors that choose to ignore certain grammar rules and still come out with bestsellers
@Gemini: I usually just let my mind wander when I go walking or doing mindless stuff. The bad part is sometimes my mind wanders into sad ideas and then I start crying in public D:
@Minami: I know! Isn't he just the best! I always have him in my group
Here are my updates (posted on my blog and copy pasta onto here
Cosplay update!
Update 2:
So, my first official day of costume making didn't go so well! I spent the day walking around the local stores in my area trying to find shoes, gloves, and any other fabric/accessories I could use for my costume and didn't find a thing! D: (For those curious, that was TJ Maxx, Rite Aid - although a found a small pack of beads that I'm not sure I can do anything with, Ross, Famous Footwear, Party City - lots of cool costumes here!, Payless, Target, World Market, and a framing/art story that I can't remember the name of). My area seriously needs a sewing, craft, and bead store
So, back home, I did some shopping at Fabric.com and was overwhelmed at the different fabric choices (and prices). I ended up buying 4 different types of fabric (greatly simplifying what I had originally been planning on doing!): burgundy velvet for the main skirt and bodice, black pleather for the tummy part, plain black for the bodice part, and a red satin for the front and back tail parts. I also did some digging on Amazon.com and found some black satin opera gloves that I'll probably end up getting since I couldn't find any lace ones that I liked and could afford D: I also did some digging in my closet and found some black velvet pants that I need to shorten, an old corset that I'm going to do the sewing for the bodice on, and some plain black shoes that I'm just going to have to go with for her shoes
I'm also kind nervous about how the fabric will fall, because the pictures almost look like she's wearing a small Crinoline to make the skirt flare out a bit. I'm not sure how I'll be able to make that effect!
Update 3:
OMG, just received my fabric.com shipping email that says the fabric will be here in 1 week (Sept 21)! I didn't realize it would take that long since I got totally spoiled from Amazon's 2 day shipping D: I'm kinda nervous now that I might not get finished in time!
Story update!
I wrote the intro and ending to Razah's story (now to fill in the middle!) I definitely feel like the way I'm writing it is super challenging, because I'm writing in first person from the view of someone who doesn't know the human world. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, yet it's a lot more fun than I thought it would be
Now that I have the ending all written, I also decided to change the title from Razah: Finding a Purpose to Razah: A Halloween Wish.
Here's my first rough draft of the start to the story (Note, ignore weird indents. I don't know why those are there since they're not there in my Word copy and since this is just a draft, I'm not going to fix it right now since I may end up completely rewriting it based on feedback :P ) :
Razah: A Halloween Wish
I was not born.
Even now, I have no words to describe the creation of my existence, except it was a mistake, a rare error regretted by The Mists.
I should have been a demon as my brethren.
Instead, the protomatter of the The Mists touched upon a human template and created a wretched forgery with an unthinkable curse…
…sentience.
The closest word I can think of to describe my existence prior to that fated moment is ‘dream-like.’ I was part of The Mists, whole yet not whole, everywhere and nowhere, a tiny piece yet infinite at the same time.
The closest word to describe my existence at that fated moment is ‘torture.’ I was whole, the weight of the universe crushing me and then threatening to tear me apart. My senses were raw; the overwhelming stimuli caused me to go mad as I howled into emptiness as The Mists held me with noncorporeal arms.
I had no knowledge of time then, and even now, I do not know how long I stayed there howling, trapped in darkness, cursed with my sentience.
I do not know how or when the dark God Abaddon found out about my existence. I only know that his Margonites found and took me with them.
Then, the true torture began…
As for editing, I do quite enjoy it, but I've never studied English so I'd feel uncomfortable editing in a more professional context. Having said that, I will now nitpick your story.
In general, I think this is a fantastic beginning. Razah's description of his birth is chilling -- I actually shivered at "I howled into emptiness as The Mists held me with noncorporeal arms" -- and you did a good job of showing his inability to understand the world around him.
However, I think there was too much telling and not enough showing, particularly in the first half. This is a Halloween story, so take advantage of oppourtunities to describe horror! Instead of hearing "my birth was, like, so traumatic, you guys", I want to experience the panicky, sick feeling of having to force his virgin lungs open with a gasp of cold air, or the claustrophobia he feels when he's clothed for the first time.
On to specifics:
Quote:
I was not born.I was not born.
Even now, I have no words to describe the creation of my existence, except it was a mistake, a rare error regretted by The Mists.
I should have been a demon as my brethren.
Instead, the protomatter of the The Mists touched upon a human template and created a wretched forgery with an unthinkable curse…
…sentience.
The closest word I can think of to describe my existence prior to that fated moment is ‘dream-like.’ I was part of The Mists, whole yet not whole, everywhere and nowhere, a tiny piece yet infinite at the same time.
The closest word to describe my existence at that fated moment is ‘torture.’ I was whole, the weight of the universe crushing me and then threatening to tear me apart. My senses were raw; the overwhelming stimuli caused me to go mad as I howled into emptiness as The Mists held me with noncorporeal arms.
I had no knowledge of time then, and even now, I do not know how long I stayed there howling, trapped in darkness, cursed with my sentience.
I do not know how or when the dark God Abaddon found out about my existence. I only know that his Margonites found and took me with them.
Then, the true torture began…
* * *
The accidental curse from The Mists had ravaged my senses had driven me mad as my body suffered under the strain of countless new stimuli.
The purposeful curse from Abaddon was far more sinister and left me silent and motionless as my mind struggled against an onslaught of knowledge. The Dark God wished to imbue my mind with all the knowledge in the universe, and he was succeeding. Information from the start of time and across time was injected into my mind as my body laid still and motionless.
As I absorbed the information, the Margonites fought around me, occasionally trying to damage my motionless body in jest. They joked about the new vessel and how it was in a weak human form. Despite the wealth of knowledge building in my mind, I did not understand it nor what the Margonites spoke of.
As in my first prison, I did not know how much time had passed as I stayed motionless while my mind absorbed the secrets of the universe.
However, I did know the transfer had stopped, and I could move once again. More importantly, I realized my Margonite jailors had left me unguarded.
It was time to escape my second prison.
@Bonjela: lol at the grammar Nazi pic XD (BTW, plug for GuildMag if you enjoy editing since I think they're looking for editors ) Your piece looks like it's off to a great start, but it's super dark on my comp D: Did you mean it to be so dark? I had a problem with one of my pics where it seemed normal on my comp, but then it was super dark when I switched comps D:
Thanks! And yes, it's supposed to be dark; there isn't really any light source to illuminate it, other than weak, reflected light from the ground, so the plan is to use lanterns and such as secondary light sources once the main shape is blocked out. You're right, though, it's dark enough that it may not show up too well on other monitors. Is there any way I can check how it looks on other computers without actually using lots of different computers?The accidental curse from The Mists had ravaged my senses had driven me mad as my body suffered under the strain of countless new stimuli.
The purposeful curse from Abaddon was far more sinister and left me silent and motionless as my mind struggled against an onslaught of knowledge. The Dark God wished to imbue my mind with all the knowledge in the universe, and he was succeeding. Information from the start of time and across time was injected into my mind as my body laid still and motionless.
As I absorbed the information, the Margonites fought around me, occasionally trying to damage my motionless body in jest. They joked about the new vessel and how it was in a weak human form. Despite the wealth of knowledge building in my mind, I did not understand it nor what the Margonites spoke of.
As in my first prison, I did not know how much time had passed as I stayed motionless while my mind absorbed the secrets of the universe.
However, I did know the transfer had stopped, and I could move once again. More importantly, I realized my Margonite jailors had left me unguarded.
It was time to escape my second prison.
* * *Yet, my escape meant I had traded one prison for another. Once I had left Abaddon’s domain, I found myself in yet another terrifying and confusing land. My jumbled mind strained to make sense out of what I was seeing and experiencing; yet I could not understand any of the wealth of knowledge I had been damned with.
Creatures I had never seen before and couldn’t identify attempted to kill me.
Others ran from me, despite my questions.
Still, others attacked viciously before fleeing from my confused presence.
I did not understand any of the world I now found myself, despite that I had all the answers somewhere locked in my mind. Fire from above brought pain to my eyes, and only when the darkness descended did my skin stop burning. As I walked aimlessly, avoiding other living creatures, I stopped before a new type of ground that stretched before me. As I tried to walk on the new ground, my foot passed through it. I stood there, one leg on loose ground while my other leg and the rags covering it was swallowed by the new ground. I pulled my leg back and sat back, confused at the ground.
Was I to be forever trapped in a prison I could not understand?
“Oh!”
I looked around at the source of the sound and saw a small creature. I waited, wondering if it would attack or run away. Instead the creature tilted its head and sat next to me.
“Why do you want your leg wet? Is it dirty?” The small creature asked.
I looked at my leg. “Why is my leg wet?” I asked the creature instead.
The creature looked at me and tilted its head. “You don’t know why your leg is wet? Did you fall asleep and your leg fall in the water?”
A slow understanding came over me. Water. I was sitting in front of water. When I pushed into my knowledge base, I tapped into what the word water should mean. Still, I did not understand the deluge of information coming from me and instead turned back to the creature.
“What are you?” I asked, wondering if this being could help me understand my new prison.
“I’m Zinka!” it said as its mouth made a strange motion as odd sounds came from it.
The word did not make sense to me. “What is a Zinka?”
“I’m Zinka!” the creature said, as if its circular logic explained everything. It held its arms around its stomach and made the odd sound again.
“Why do you make that sound?” I asked.
“Because you’re funny!” the Zinka said although my mind could not decipher the humor in the situation. “What’s your name?”
A name? When I realized what the creature was asking for, I thought back to all the words I had been called: Error, Vessel, Abomination, Monster… Although I had been called many things, I had no name. “I don’t have a name.”
The Zinka made another strange sound, different from the first one. “Everyone needs a name.”
“Why?”
“How would people get each other’s attention?” the Zinka pointed out. I blinked at the explanation. It was simple and made sense. “Do you want a name?”
Having a name was one of the first things that made sense to me, and I wanted one. “Yes. Give me a name.”
The Zinka sat and looked to the sky, a closed fist to its cheek. Moments later, the Zinka looked back down and said, “I know! I once had a pet frog named Razah, and he was my best friend! You can be Razah, too!” It grabbed one of my hands with its small ones and made that small odd sound again. “You can be my new best friend.”
“Razah. Best friend,” I repeated. I did not know what a best friend was. “I accept your offer. Will you teach me about this world?”
The Zinka tapped its chin for a moment. “How come you don’t know anything? Did you forget?”
“I’m not from here.”
“Oh, you must be from across the sea. We’re in Elona, did you know that?”
“Elona…” The name triggered a cascade of indecipherable knowledge that I had to brace myself against.
Above us, the sky roared. “Uh oh. Looks like it will rain.” The Zinka stood and grabbed my hand again. It pulled, as if its tiny body could actually move my much bigger one. “Come on. We need to go hide.”
“Why?”
“So we don’t get wet,” it said, hands now balled at its sides.
“Water can fall from the sky?” I asked. “Why?”
“When the sky gets sad, it cries,” it informed me. I looked up at the sky and nodded. The logic was sturdy and also made sense. With the wise Zinka’s help, I could finally understand this world.
The Zinka put its hand out again as I stood. I looked down. The little creature was small, smaller than half my height. I mimicked it and put my hand out, unsure of what to do. Making the odd sound again, the Zinka reached out and put its hand in mine - tiny fingers closing around my own. It looked at me and made that strange mouth motion again. The Zinka pulled again as if it could move me with its little strength.
I do not know why; despite the Zinka holding my hand, this moment was the first time I felt like I was not in a prison.
I followed.
Creatures I had never seen before and couldn’t identify attempted to kill me.
Others ran from me, despite my questions.
Still, others attacked viciously before fleeing from my confused presence.
I did not understand any of the world I now found myself, despite that I had all the answers somewhere locked in my mind. Fire from above brought pain to my eyes, and only when the darkness descended did my skin stop burning. As I walked aimlessly, avoiding other living creatures, I stopped before a new type of ground that stretched before me. As I tried to walk on the new ground, my foot passed through it. I stood there, one leg on loose ground while my other leg and the rags covering it was swallowed by the new ground. I pulled my leg back and sat back, confused at the ground.
Was I to be forever trapped in a prison I could not understand?
“Oh!”
I looked around at the source of the sound and saw a small creature. I waited, wondering if it would attack or run away. Instead the creature tilted its head and sat next to me.
“Why do you want your leg wet? Is it dirty?” The small creature asked.
I looked at my leg. “Why is my leg wet?” I asked the creature instead.
The creature looked at me and tilted its head. “You don’t know why your leg is wet? Did you fall asleep and your leg fall in the water?”
A slow understanding came over me. Water. I was sitting in front of water. When I pushed into my knowledge base, I tapped into what the word water should mean. Still, I did not understand the deluge of information coming from me and instead turned back to the creature.
“What are you?” I asked, wondering if this being could help me understand my new prison.
“I’m Zinka!” it said as its mouth made a strange motion as odd sounds came from it.
The word did not make sense to me. “What is a Zinka?”
“I’m Zinka!” the creature said, as if its circular logic explained everything. It held its arms around its stomach and made the odd sound again.
“Why do you make that sound?” I asked.
“Because you’re funny!” the Zinka said although my mind could not decipher the humor in the situation. “What’s your name?”
A name? When I realized what the creature was asking for, I thought back to all the words I had been called: Error, Vessel, Abomination, Monster… Although I had been called many things, I had no name. “I don’t have a name.”
The Zinka made another strange sound, different from the first one. “Everyone needs a name.”
“Why?”
“How would people get each other’s attention?” the Zinka pointed out. I blinked at the explanation. It was simple and made sense. “Do you want a name?”
Having a name was one of the first things that made sense to me, and I wanted one. “Yes. Give me a name.”
The Zinka sat and looked to the sky, a closed fist to its cheek. Moments later, the Zinka looked back down and said, “I know! I once had a pet frog named Razah, and he was my best friend! You can be Razah, too!” It grabbed one of my hands with its small ones and made that small odd sound again. “You can be my new best friend.”
“Razah. Best friend,” I repeated. I did not know what a best friend was. “I accept your offer. Will you teach me about this world?”
The Zinka tapped its chin for a moment. “How come you don’t know anything? Did you forget?”
“I’m not from here.”
“Oh, you must be from across the sea. We’re in Elona, did you know that?”
“Elona…” The name triggered a cascade of indecipherable knowledge that I had to brace myself against.
Above us, the sky roared. “Uh oh. Looks like it will rain.” The Zinka stood and grabbed my hand again. It pulled, as if its tiny body could actually move my much bigger one. “Come on. We need to go hide.”
“Why?”
“So we don’t get wet,” it said, hands now balled at its sides.
“Water can fall from the sky?” I asked. “Why?”
“When the sky gets sad, it cries,” it informed me. I looked up at the sky and nodded. The logic was sturdy and also made sense. With the wise Zinka’s help, I could finally understand this world.
The Zinka put its hand out again as I stood. I looked down. The little creature was small, smaller than half my height. I mimicked it and put my hand out, unsure of what to do. Making the odd sound again, the Zinka reached out and put its hand in mine - tiny fingers closing around my own. It looked at me and made that strange mouth motion again. The Zinka pulled again as if it could move me with its little strength.
I do not know why; despite the Zinka holding my hand, this moment was the first time I felt like I was not in a prison.
I followed.
* * *
to be continued…
to be continued…
bonjela
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thistle Xandra
As for editing, I do quite enjoy it, but I've never studied English so I'd feel uncomfortable editing in a more professional context. Having said that, I will now nitpick your story.
In general, I think this is a fantastic beginning. Razah's description of his birth is chilling -- I actually shivered at "I howled into emptiness as The Mists held me with noncorporeal arms" -- and you did a good job of showing his inability to understand the world around him.
However, I think there was too much telling and not enough showing, particularly in the first half. This is a Halloween story, so take advantage of oppourtunities to describe horror! Instead of hearing "my birth was, like, so traumatic, you guys", I want to experience the panicky, sick feeling of having to force his virgin lungs open with a gasp of cold air, or the claustrophobia he feels when he's clothed for the first time.
On to specifics:
Quote:
Even now, I have no words to describe the creation of my existence, except it was a mistake, a rare error regretted by The Mists. Bolded: I think this would sound better as "except that it was a mistake".
Quote: The closest word I can think of to describe my existence prior to that fated moment is ‘dream-like.’ I was part of The Mists, whole yet not whole, everywhere and nowhere, a tiny piece yet infinite at the same time. Bolded: Does Razah know what it's like to dream? Would it really occur to him to use this analogy? I can see why you used it: it's the easiest way for a human to describe this sort of state, but coming from Razah it just doesn't feel right.
Quote: I do not know how or when the dark God Abaddon found out about my existence. I only know that his Margonites found and took me with them.
Then, the true torture began… Bolded: I'm nitpicking, but I think a period would be more effective here. The ellipsis makes it sound as though he's fishing for sympathy or thinks his story is the saddest thing ever, whereas a period would make him sound more innocent, as though he didn't realise how sad his story is.
Quote: The accidental curse from The Mists had ravaged my senses had driven me mad as my body suffered under the strain of countless new stimuli. Underlined: One of these is a typo.
Quote: The purposeful curse from Abaddon was far more sinister and left me silent and motionless as my mind struggled against an onslaught of knowledge. The Dark God wished to imbue my mind with all the knowledge in the universe, and he was succeeding. Information from the start of time and across time was injected into my mind as my body laid still and motionless. Underlined: Should be "lay".
Quote: As I absorbed the information, the Margonites fought around me, occasionally trying to damage my motionless body in jest. They joked about the new vessel and how it was in a weak human form. Despite the wealth of knowledge building in my mind, I did not understand it nor what the Margonites spoke of. Bolded: I might be wrong, but "in jest" is usually only used to describe pranks or jokes that the victim would find funny, whereas the Margonites are just being bullies here.
Quote: As in my first prison, I did not know how much time had passed as I stayed motionless while my mind absorbed the secrets of the universe. Bolded: You keep using this word. Let's feel what it's like to be trapped in his body instead of being repeatedly told that it's lying there.
Quote: Yet, my escape meant I had traded one prison for another. Once I had left Abaddon’s domain, I found myself in yet another terrifying and confusing land. My jumbled mind strained to make sense out of what I was seeing and experiencing; yet I could not understand any of the wealth of knowledge I had been damned with. Underlined: "Yet" is superfluous next to a semicolon. And you already used it in this paragraph.
Quote: Still, others attacked viciously before fleeing from my confused presence. Underlined: Remove the comma.
Quote:
I did not understand any of the world I now found myself, despite that I had all the answers somewhere locked in my mind. Fire from above brought pain to my eyes, and only when the darkness descended did my skin stop burning. As I walked aimlessly, avoiding other living creatures, I stopped before a new type of ground that stretched before me. As I tried to walk on the new ground, my foot passed through it. I stood there, one leg on loose ground while my other leg and the rags covering it was swallowed by the new ground. I pulled my leg back and sat back, confused at the ground.
Underlined: Should be "any of the world in which I now found myself." Bolded: You've used the word "ground" a lot in this paragraph already, so I recommend removing the bolded phrase. It's obvious that the ground is what's confusing him, anyway. Quote:
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