2011 Halloween Workshop!
Konig Des Todes
Ooo, pretty flower
Join Date: Jan 2008
Citadel of the Decayed
The Archivists' Sanctum [Lore]
N/
26 Sep 2011 at 16:53 - 201
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sentient
http://wiki.guildwars.com/wiki/Mad_King
Quote: Originally Posted by bonjela
@Konig: I've finally had time to critique your story. ^^Thoughts on overall plot (spoilers):
First of all, thanks for posting the summary; I understand your concerns about spoilers, but knowing the overall structure of the story will really help me (and others!) tailor my critiques.
Secondly: You haven't written anything for chapters 4 and 5. I assume this was an oversight, and that 4 and 5 explain what Thorn's "surprise" is.
I'm going to try and write a summary of the plot to see if I've understood it. (I haven't read any of your other stories yet, so I may well be confused about some things that get explained in more detail later; obviously, however, the basic plot of this story should be approachable for any new reader.)
The bratty prince from chapter 1 is essentially a red herring: the guy with the real interest in Konig is his elder brother, Palawa Joko, who wishes to use the Apocrypha to become more powerful than Konig because he's Palawa RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing Joko.
Thorn initially arrives in Istan to befriend the royals, but Joko slowly turns him insane... though we don't learn why he wants to corrupt Thorn in this story.
I didn't notice any explanation for the cause of the scarab plague, but I assume that's also Joko's doing. Konig tries to save the day, but Joko's clever plague disables him, enabling Joko's escape.
Thoughts on chapter 2:
The first thing I notice about this chapter is that it doesn't cover all the plot points you set out for it in your summary: what happened to the befriending, and Janah's suspicions? I guess I can sort of see this being hinted at, but it feels like you're promising to go into more detail in the next chapter instead. Was that an intentional change?
Did we really need an entire chapter just to learn that Konig senses magic coming from the palace? Perhaps if he'd been doing something more interesting than just wandering aimlessly about, it might have been worth the read; as it is, however, it feels like you'd be better off melding it into chapter 1. Speaking of which, though ch1 establishes setting and characters, it does nothing to get the plot going.
I enjoyed the little lore easter eggs, such as the explanation of why a so-called city doesn't have any buildings in it, and the dramatic irony of a future undead Dread Lord being a lovely person.
I haven't looked at the edit suggestions themselves but I got comments on these two:
The plot summary I posted was originally written as a rough draft outline of the story that was meant for my eyes only, so naturally there will be some vague parts because I knew what would happen - I didn't bother altering it as I felt it gave "enough" for it to be helpful while still allowing some surprises (e.g., why Palawa Joko uses Thorn). Chapters 4 and 5 are blank because at the time I just didn't write them in - why? I knew what would happen then, but not how. It's basically a time period in which Thorn shows up and begins to attempt to woe the princess; meanwhile Konig investigates the royal family and I need to present both brothers as suspecting individuals (more so the younger - plot twist!). Same goes with the cause of the Scarab Plague - it will be mentioned, but I didn't bother putting it in the outline because as said I wrote it for myself not others.
Chapter 2 didn't do everything I originally planned because the outline is merely a rough draft - when I get to actually writing the story, sections become either longer or shorter than what I originally intended and thus I shift things around. This happened to chapter 2 in which it became longer than I suspected. I am weary of merging the first portion directly into chapter 1 because of length. Looking at chapter 2 again, I could easily add another smaller section.
Chapter 1 only introduces characters because I wrote it a while ago, and at that time I only knew the general plot (Joko, Thorn, and the Scarab Plague) and the characters. I hadn't known yet how to takeKonig arriving in the city and being bugged by a peasant-looking boy who was really a royal prince and connect it to attempting to prevent the Scarab Plague. Now I do.
Regarding chapter 1 and 2 on a whole though, I believe I will have to rewrite it - or at least portions of it - because it appear I was misremembering/completely mistaken/forgetting aspects of Fahranur in the game. For instance, they aren't pyramids like in other places in Istan, but trapazoids; and where I thought there were ruble in the southern portion, the ruble is more in the northern portion; likewise, there are no towers anywhere (that I completely made up and intended to explain it without words via aging and crumbling of stone). Just a few things I was mistaken on.
Chapter 2 didn't do everything I originally planned because the outline is merely a rough draft - when I get to actually writing the story, sections become either longer or shorter than what I originally intended and thus I shift things around. This happened to chapter 2 in which it became longer than I suspected. I am weary of merging the first portion directly into chapter 1 because of length. Looking at chapter 2 again, I could easily add another smaller section.
Chapter 1 only introduces characters because I wrote it a while ago, and at that time I only knew the general plot (Joko, Thorn, and the Scarab Plague) and the characters. I hadn't known yet how to takeKonig arriving in the city and being bugged by a peasant-looking boy who was really a royal prince and connect it to attempting to prevent the Scarab Plague. Now I do.
Regarding chapter 1 and 2 on a whole though, I believe I will have to rewrite it - or at least portions of it - because it appear I was misremembering/completely mistaken/forgetting aspects of Fahranur in the game. For instance, they aren't pyramids like in other places in Istan, but trapazoids; and where I thought there were ruble in the southern portion, the ruble is more in the northern portion; likewise, there are no towers anywhere (that I completely made up and intended to explain it without words via aging and crumbling of stone). Just a few things I was mistaken on.
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